Day 29: I Still Have Nightmares

The light creeping through the window panes speckled the otherwise pitch black room.  I could hear the noise of cars and late wanderers on the street below just faintly above the steady drum of his snoring.  Her furry body was unhappily coiled at the bottom of my feet; she much preferred her head resting on the fluffy pillow beside me.

Everything around me was still and tucked in a quiet slumber for the night, but my mind raced quickly.  I thought of him and how he wouldn’t be returning to our office tomorrow; what did he tell his family when he went home?  Did they already expect it?  I thought of my bills for the next two weeks, quickly tallying up numbers in my mental calculator; I think I’d barely scrape by.  I thought of that nightmare – literally a nightmare – I had a couple of weeks ago; details far too strange to disclose here.

*i actually took this photo at the louvre in 2007!

They say “If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.”  Then, can someone please explain to me why my mind is trapped within dark miserable thoughts?

These sleepless moments frequently leave me questioning myself.  My heart pains so easily for other people and I don’t know why.    The daily stresses of life often don’t seem to want to let me sleep.  Why don’t I stay busy thinking of happier things?

We often have doubtful moments about who we are; it’s easy to have more when you are stricken with a past of people who instilled more doubt in you.  But, I guess sometimes our minds need to spend some time in the dark: thinking about others’ worries,  adding up numbers, and tackling fears.  It’s another part of who we are and just because it’s full of depression and insecurities, it doesn’t mean it should be loved any less.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” -Brene Brown

I feel her warm body coiled tightly next to me. I look to him sleeping peacefully and I know that he is here for a reason.  For a brief moment, my heart squeezes with comfort.

I push away the noise from the street below and the noise in my mind.

There’s no need for nightmares tonight.

*I’m participating in a 31 Days series with numerous other writers.  To read my entire series, please view this page.